My name’s Cureton, Cureton Bett,
The World’s most incredible jet-set vet.
I’ve often been told I’m the best in my field,
There isn’t a patient I haven’t yet healed!
I journey to places bizarre and exotic,
With my bag filled with pills and antibiotic!
I travel by trains, by planes and by boats,
With my bag crammed with cures and new antidotes.
The furthest I’ve been? Down under – Australia.
A long way to lug all my paraphernalia!
“G’day, Dr Bett,” was the Kangaroo’s greeting,
A marsupial clearly too fond of his eating!
I said “Ok, Skip, lie down on the couch,
I’ll take a good look up under your pouch.
“Strewth mate,” I said, “your problem’s this, sport,
It looks like your legs could do with support!”
“Not being rude, I don’t like to mention…
You’re a little too large for your body’s suspension!
Don’t worry though, Sheila, I’ve got just the things.”
And I pulled out a couple of old mattress springs!
I strapped the bed coils to the soles of her feet,
Then said to her sternly: “Watch what you eat!
And get down the gym, start losing the ounces,
You’ll soon feel like new and be back doing bounces!”
Next stop New Zealand, insomniac Sheep,
They really were grumpy and struggling to sleep!
“A word of advice, when you’re tucked up in bed,
Don’t count yourselves, count humans instead!”
Now here’s some advice: great bedside manners…
…are essential when working in grassy savannahs.
That’s certainly true in the vast plains of Kenya.
(I was over there recently for a short tenure).
While there I was summoned, the King of the Jungle,
He had an infection, I think it was fungal.
His throat was too sore to let out a roar,
But a mixture of honey and rest proved the cure!
And I’ll never forget the elephant whose trunk,
Seemed shorter than usual, it seemed to have shrunk!
“Now listen up Nelly, here’s the problem, I think:
You fell fast asleep while having a drink!”
So I worked many dawns and I worked many dusks,
To make sure his trunk had more length than his tusks!
With a pot of grey paint, sticky tape and a hose,
I built the poor Pachyderm a perfect new nose!
My least favourite patient? Hmmm, let me think,
Without doubt a skunk, boy oh boy, did he stink!
How did I stop him from smelling like eggs?
I gave him deodorant and his poor wife some pegs!
Now during my time I’ve met many a mammal,
But the saddest, I think, was a deflated camel.
His flat, saggy humps had him down in the dumps,
But I soon had him sorted with bicycle pumps!
But in my line of work you can’t make mistakes,
Especially when tending to dangerous snakes!
This one time a rattler was dissing and hissing,
Turned out that his rattle had somehow gone missing!
We discussed all his symptoms, then after we’d spoken,
I soon diagnosed that his rattle was broken!
Now I know it sounds strange and a little bit crackers,
But I fixed that poor rattler with some glue and maracas!
Then there’s the patient who phoned me all worried,
He was feeling run down, so quickly I hurried!
I told him outright, “You’re a stressed centipede,
A little relaxing is all that you need!”
“Here’s some advice that I tell frazzled fauna:
Have a lovely foot massage and a leisurely sauna!
Take two sips of this each time that you eat,
You’ll soon feel like new and be back on your feet!”
But it’s not just on land that my vet expertise…
…is put to good use, it’s also the seas!
Only last week I was diving deep oceans,
With my bag stuffed with potions and miracle lotions.
It was there by a shipwreck, just up from the reef,
I saw a poor shark in distress with his teeth.
I nervously said, “Say aahh, open wide!”
And with that I slipped my whole body inside!
It soon became clear his teeth were all rotten,
I said to him straight, “It seems you’ve forgotten…
…to brush your sharp gnashers at least twice a day.
You’ve let your poor gums build up with decay!”
But for such a tough guy he’s the biggest of cryers,
Especially as I yanked on his teeth with my pliers!
I’ll admit when I’d done he looked rather less ruthless,
Now that his mouth was totally toothless!
That’s it I’m afraid, I’ve got an appointment,
Now where did I put that big bottle of ointment?!
Where am I headed? I’m off to Peru,
To treat a gnu struck down with the flu!