Did you hear the news today?
Santa’s put away his sleigh.
The word that’s spreading round the Globe
Is that he’s hanging up his robe.
In a statement live on television
He said “This was a tough decision;
The toughest that I’ve ever made,
But I’m retiring, I’m afraid!
“The cold wreaks havoc on my bones,
My body now just creaks and groans.
No longer can I brave the snow,
I’ve realised it’s time to go!”
Xmas Inc. take over!
Our breaking news can now report
That Christmastime has now been bought!
In a move that’s sure to cause a stink,
It’s been acquired by Xmas Inc.
Speaking from their plush headquarters
The firm’s M.D. spoke to reporters.
Things are going to change round here,
New techniques will now appear.
We still want children to believe,
That Santa’s been on Christmas Eve.
But things will change behind the scenes,
With Elves replaced by new machines.
“Welcome to the New North Pole,
It’s different since we took control.
With Father Christmas now retired
Christmas lists won’t be required.
“Instead our website’s twice as quick,
You order gifts with just a click!
Just go to xmas-inc.com
And fill in who it’s to and from!
“There are many ways to pay,
To get your gifts for Christmas Day.
With extra cash you guarantee,
A Christmas Day delivery.
“And having proved chimneys a chore,
We’ll now deliver to the door.
And here’s our new production line,
It turns out gifts in half the time.
“I must say that we’re overjoyed,
With all the staff we’ve now employed.
A hand-picked, skilled delivery force,
That’ll keep on time and of course, on course!
“They’ll now use ships and trains and planes,
No transport that still uses reins!
Now Sat navs show them where to go,
No need for Rudolph’s shiny glow!
“We’ve found the ‘Deers a place to graze,
Their days are gone of pulling sleighs.
And Rudolph’s got himself a role:
Chief Tourist Guide, The New North Pole.
“I know that this may anger purists,
But the Pole’s now opened up to tourists.
It’s helped us re-employ the Elves.
They’ll now stock up the gift shop’s shelves.
The crowd were really quite impressed
After seeing how it had progressed.
They stood and clapped and loudly cheered,
But things weren’t as they first appeared…
A Disastrous Xmas!
That Christmas was the worst in years,
With many children left in tears;
Lots of them left broken hearted,
They had no gifts when Christmas started!
Many of them just weren’t sent,
Even though the money had been spent.
And those that made it to the door,
Were either broken or just poor.
Teddy bears had sand for stuffing,
Leaving countless kids with nothing.
The jigsaws sent out weren’t complete,
And nor were bikes that lacked a seat!
And under many Christmas trees,
Were dolls that spoke just Japanese!
Robots fizzed then fell apart,
Handheld games just wouldn’t start.
The Public wanted answers quick,
Complaints were coming fast and thick.
On Boxing Day the firm’s M.D.
Appeared worldwide on live TV.
“We’re sorry that it’s not as planned,
And hope that you will understand.
We were sure it would succeed,
But we were blinkered by our greed.”
“This Christmas lark just isn’t us,
There’s too much pressure, too much fuss!
And because it didn’t go too well,
We’ve decided that we’re going to sell.
“We’re going to try and turn our hand,
To something that we understand.
We want to now invest our money,
And buy out Easter from the Bunny.
“But now it’s time that you were told,
To whom your Christmas will be sold.
Make some noise, some loud applause
The rightful owner…Santa Claus!”
“I’m overjoyed I’m coming back,
I’ve missed my robe and missed my sack.
I’ve missed the girls and missed the boys,
And all the elves and all the toys.”
“I’ve really missed the reindeers too.
But the rest has made me feel like new!
Being retired just made me stressed,
And Mrs Claus was unimpressed!”
“The Elves have now all been informed,
And are now all newly uniformed.
Their days of stocking shelves will stop,
We want them in the new workshop.
“And now the team’s all back together,
We’re going to brave the snowy weather.
We’ll do our best, try to ensure,
That things are put back as before.”
With news that he was reinstated,
Countries partied, celebrated.
They’d all campaigned to help restore,
A man that millions all adore!
Now at Xmas when you look up high,
You’ll see a great sight in the sky…
A happy Santa Claus and Co.,
Led by Rudolph’s shiny glow!